Keepin' it Real

I wish some of my friends knew this. Not just in their minds, but in their hearts. There are a number of things in this blog that speak to me, personally, but upon reading the statement, "Being alone will never cause as much loneliness as the wrong relationships" I immediately thought of some of my friends who stay in romantic relationships that are just toxic.

I don't understand. Some would say that I'm just naturally a "single kinda gal" who enjoys being single much more than being in a relationship so it's "easier" for me. And I suppose to a certain extent that's true. I'm definitely more comfortable being single than being or trying to be in a relationship. Not to mention that my (admittedly limited) experience shows that I enjoy and am happier when I'm single, but it has nothing to do with me wanting or even needing to be single to be happy; being single, dating, trying to be in a relationship, or whatever other complicated situations there are has nothing to do with it at all. What it all boils down to is simple: I choose my happiness above all. It just so happens that my happiness resulted in me breaking it off with guys I genuinely cared about. It doesn't mean I prefer things to be that way. It just means that (1) I haven't found the right guy yet, and (2) I know how to be happy on my own.

I just wish some of my friends can embrace this. I've been there before. Staying in a toxic relationship and not wanting to let go despite knowing how bad it is for you emotionally. And I've gotten out of it. What I realized is that I was so much unhappier and lonelier being with someone who wasn't right for me than when I finally walked away. Yes, it hurt, and yes, I cried, but I immediately felt unburdened afterwards. Like India Arie said in my all-time favorite song, "Private Party":

"Sometimes I'm alone but never lonely
That's what I've come to realize
I've learned to love the quiet moments
The Sunday mornings of life"

Pardon the emo. I'm probably going to look at this in about a month and laugh at my emo-ness. Anyway...

Love does not conquer all. Love is not all you need. We can love someone who is totally wrong for us. We can love someone who loves us back, but is still totally wrong for us. Just because you love someone and that someone loves you back, doesn't mean it's going to work out. And I really think that's the hardest type of relationship to break off. If that other person brings out the cray-cray in you, or is physically or emotionally abusive, or if other people look away when you ask them if they think the two of you should be together, then I think it's easier to see that you should probably walk away. It's probably just as hard to walk away, but at least it's easier to see that you probably should. It's hard when the love is there to blind you to the fact that you guys just aren't right for each other. Fear may be like redbull and give you wings to fly away when you probably should've at least tried, but love can be like those blinders horses wear that make them only see one way.

I swear I'm not bitter. Nope, not at all.
(But really, I'm not. It's just that the week before is always the most depressing.)

I had a conversation with a friend of mine once about when one should break things off with the person he or she is dating. I told her that she doesn't have to wait for things to get worse before she breaks it off. She doesn't need to wait for an event, or concrete evidence before walking off, because if you're waiting for that to happen, you probably have so much negative energy storing up inside that you end up becoming that crazy girl. You know, the one who goes through his text messages, call log, email, facebook posts, etc. just looking for something to pin on him. And in her previous relationships, oftentimes she's found something that ultimately hurts her even more. What I told her is, the moment you feel that something is off, whether he isn't paying as much attention to you, or you just don't quite feel the same, just walk away.

I didn't understand why she had difficulty doing this. Because really, I would rather walk away from someone for seemingly no reason then wait around, let my crazy out, then find out he was cheating on me. I mean, her situation(s) is, in my opinion, pretty easily avoidable. A lot of times the guys she dates actually give away red flags, like checking out other girls, texting or taking phone calls from girls when they're together, etc. But what about the situation when the guy is decent? When he treats you right, cares for you, and things aren't as clear cut? In those situations, it's pretty hard to figure out what to do but the truth is, same thing applies. If something is off, walk away. Trust in your instincts. Yes, there's history, your own insecurities, doubts, or what not, but ultimately I think you really do just know underneath it all whether to stay or go.

So I'm going to take my own advice and walk away, even if there is no concrete reason behind it. I'm sorry, but, this just isn't working.

According to wikipedia, a person with Type A personality is one who is "...ambitious, aggressive, business-like, controlling, highly competitive, impatient, preoccupied with his or her status, time-conscious, and tightly-wound. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving 'workaholics' who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence."

Yup, sounds like me, except for the whole preoccupation with my status. I'd like to think I'm not quite that bad. I'm highly organized and one of the things that make me really happy is to take an unknown situation or problem, bound the problem or issues at hand, create a game plan to mitigate that or control the situation, and execute. Oh, and change the plan as needed, because I am pretty adaptable and have fun changing the plan (too much changing though and I get over it). I love the process of it all, I love learning, but the best part for me are the results. I love taking complicated, seemingly messy situations and organizing it to make it more streamlined and efficient. Yes, I really am anal like that.

The result? I hate being confused more than anything in the world. Absolutely hate it. I hate not knowing, I hate questioning myself, I hate that my tendency to analyze the small details works against me, and I hate that I can come to a conclusion one day and realize later, in the midst of my drunkenness or after just one damn message, that I have been lying to myself. I just want to know one way or the other.

And yes, I realize that I'm totally whining right now and that I have a lot of things to be grateful for. I am totally acting like these people: http://thechive.com/2011/08/29/20-first-world-problems-20-photos/ BUT - we all get a pass once in a while, right? I'm using that pass right now. *Whine whine whine whine whine* :P

I'm known in the family and circle of friends as being the social butterfly. I love meeting new people and I love striking conversations with strangers pretty much wherever I am. This side of me I definitely get from my dad as my mom is very much anti-social. What I get from my mom though is the need for alone time and the preference for living alone. I'm all for catching up with friends, going to social gatherings, even being alone while being out in public, but I definitely need that alone time. Otherwise, I go crazy. Well, ok, no I don't really go crazy but I start to feel suffocated and I start to resent everyone around me if I don't schedule alone time for myself. Sometimes I forget to do this though because I get so caught up in the moment of making plans with someone that I forget to make plans with myself.

Why do I bring this up? I just don't get how some people can constantly be around other people, constantly make plans with friends, and actually can get sad (depressed, actually) for not having plans for the weekend. I don't understand. I get anxiety sometimes when I look at my calendar and see that I don't have a weekend to myself for a while. Seriously, I do. I start to experience shortness of breath and I have to actually tell myself to calm down. And it's funny coz when I try to explain this to the people who actually like to spend time with people they care about constantly, they don't get it. When they find themselves alone, they typically reach out to their friends or family to see what they're up to. Me? I curl up on my sofa and read a book. Or I reflect on my life and how much things have changed over a relatively short period of time. I don't think they understand that this alone time is something that I actually need, not just something that I want; then again, I don't understand how they can constantly be around people and not get annoyed eventually. To each her own, I guess.

P.S. This artist, Jeff Bernat, is freakin' awesome!

I got this from 2 comments on a friend's facebook status update. Put together, it's some sound advice. ;)

"Take your time, find the right one. And enjoy your time with the wrong ones, Ms Right Now can at least lead to entertaining stories."

That last part - oh so true.

Pardon the emo, it's almost "that time" again...


Type of Love

You want to feel that all-consuming type of love?
That, I will do anything for you, type of love?
That, I can't see "me" unless it's a "we," type of love?
That, I love you with the full intensity of the burning sun, type of love?

Well, you can have it.

As for me, I just want a simple type of love
The, I'll grab you a glass of water without asking, type of love
The, I just want to be in the same room with you, type of love
The, I just called to say hello, type of love

You can have your constant throes of passion,
Your rollercoaster of intense emotions,
Your neverending declarations of love and devotion,
Your constant need for love and attention

As for me, I'd be content just to see THAT smile
The, I'm so happy just to be with you, smile
The, I can't believe you're really here with me, smile
The, I know I just talked to you but I really missed you, smile

I'll leave the romance novel type of love to you,
As for me, I'll wait for the type of love that's true
And maybe my love story will be like water and yours a fine wine,
But at least my type of love would last for all time

"Don't let someone be a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs."

Damn, that's good. I have some pretty smart friends.

I've been thinking about doing this for a while, and last Sunday...I finally did it. I reached out to Bikee, my ex. What I really wanted to do was invite him out for a cup of coffee or something, but our mutual friend advised against it.

I wasn't sure how he saw me, if he still had some resentment towards me, or if we can finally move past this and become friends. The truth is, as much as looking at the past makes me angry at times because of the things I put up with and the little details I should have paid more attention to, I still remember all the good times, and there were definitely a lot of those. We may not have been friends before we started dating but we were definitely friends as well as lovers, and the former is really what I miss. I miss his friendship, his company, and really, I just miss him (not in a romantic way). So, I sent him a simple "how are you doing" facebook message and we've had a couple of email exchanges. I know it doesn't seem like much but it really made my day. I'm just glad that we're able to communicate in some small way. Maybe one day we can be better friends than the super casual fb message, but for now, it's a start. And no, I don't expect us to become bffs anytime soon, or maybe even ever, but it's good to know that he does not hate my guts. :)

I was telling my friend about this over lunch and when I opened my fortune cookie, it said, "Now is the time to call loved ones at a distance. Share your news." Not that I have news, nor is he my "loved one," but how appropriate, huh?



Indeed, why can't we?

Not to say that part of it isn't the girl's fault. Just realize that it isn't all her fault either.

I haven't been following this blog in a while, but I really liked his latest post, particularly this line:

"A real man isn’t driving his woman crazy, so much as he’s calming her down."

Amen to that.